I Hate You, Kenny
by broomcloud
Summary: Kenny and Cartman. The pairing makes no sense and would never work in canon. So naturally, people ship it. This is a collection of short stories featuring the couple.
1. It's my dick in a box(chart)

**Just a warning: like everything I write, these oneshots will contain a lot of blunt, immature sex jokes, lesbian relationships (I'll warn you first if this is the case) and conversations about penises. (Like, say, this whole damn chapter.) And the end might seem a little non-con, but it isn't. It's...whatever you want it to be. Let's just leave it at that. Lastly, this chapter will probably be confusing if you haven't seen "T.M.I.," but I'm sure you can figure out what's going on nonetheless.  
**

* * *

Kenny was at Cartman's house, going over their math homework. Neither of them were particularly good at math, but Stan and Kyle said they goofed around too much and they couldn't study with them anymore. As often happened, Kenny and Eric had been ditched and now had to make do with each other.

Kenny grinned slyly at his best friend. "Say, Cartman...what did you get as the average for number 3?"  
Cartman twirled a pencil as he examined his paper. "Uh...let's see...1.4."  
This was too good. Kenny bit his lip to keep from laughing. "1.4? Really? The average? I'd say that's a little on the small side, wouldn't you? One might even say it's...lacking?"

Cartman threw his paper and pencil down. "Okay. That's it. Get the fuck out of my house."  
"Wait, what'd I do?!"  
"You need to stop with the fucking dick jokes! The whole list thing happened like a week ago! Let it go, already. Jesus, I mean find some new god damned material already!"

The blonde gave him an irritatingly smug smile. "Trust me, I wouldn't have any trouble thinking of new things to rip on you about. But this one really seems to get you going. Not only does it make you super mad, it makes you embarrassed, and your embarrassed face is as cute as a tow truck full of kittens."

Cartman gave him a weird look. "What? I don't even...look, can we just get back to math? Not...T.M.I. math, like math-math."  
Kenny balanced his pencil over his upper lip. "Okay."  
The two settled back down and worked silently for a few minutes. Then, just before Cartman was about to ask a question-  
"...Want to know how big mine is?" Kenny asked mischievously.  
Cartman ignored Kenny. "The answer for number 4. What was it?"  
"2.2."  
"Oh. Weird, I got 57. Wha-"  
Kenny raised a pale eyebrow. "I wasn't talking about the math problem."  
Cartman just stared at him. He had no more fucks left to fucking give that day. "...Ugh."

The blonde leaned forward conspiratorially. "You know, if you want it to grow, I know a way."  
"Shut up. I hate you."  
"No, seriously, it works. And it doesn't hurt a bit." Kenny winked and leaned over the table. "In fact, it's been proven to work...by science!"  
"Oh, science is a bunch of crock. Like evolution; it's just a bunch of retarded fish frogs and lies. Go try to fool somebody else, Kenny."  
The poorer boy (by a wide margin) leaned even closer to his friend. "I also know from personal experience. And I can teach you. It won't take long and you have nothing to lose. Unless you're too much of a pussy."

That shouldn't have worked, but it did. Eric grunted. "Fine, how does this amazing dick magic work? By all means enlighten me, poor boy."  
Kenny smiled innocently. "Come over here and I'll show you."

It was a good thing Liane was away, because she would have heard something quite disturbing.

"H-hey, Kenny...what the fuck? Why are you-"  
"Shhhhhhh."  
"You can't just-"  
"Ssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh."  
"Don't shush me, you poor piece of-"  
"Hey, you said you wanted my help. Hey look, it's already working!"  
"This is _not_ what I...agh...ghk...you're a fucking pervert!"  
"Shhhhhh..."

They never did get that homework done.

* * *

**A/N: Huh? What's that you say? The ending isn't realistic? Shhhh...don't question it.**


	2. Childish Heroics: the Song

**Ugh okay. So these are some lyrics I wrote because apparently I have too much time on my hands and not enough of a life (actually I just ignore my life...not important). These were written to the tune of the song Childish War (Giga-P feat. Reol and kradness) which I doubt too many people have ever listened to, but it doesn't matter anyway because I didn't follow the duet order exactly. These kind of follow Coon 3: Superhomos by shadysp and me, where Mysterion and the Kewn are partners in crime who don't get along so hot.  
**

**I have so many of these song parodies it's not even funny.**

Oh, right. The way to tell who's line it is: Kenny, **Cartman**, Both.

* * *

Once a long time ago in the state of Colorado

In a quiet mountain town, sent to keep the people from woe

Were two noble heroes...

**(More like hero and homo!)**

**The Coon Alarm sounds-sounds like a crime-**Hero time!

**Only I'm leading the line, and the credit is mostly mine**

So you say but my legend actually came first

And I'm the one who saves the day when worst comes to worst

**You know we're the strongest duo**

**Kicking ass we can't be beat, so**

**All of you losers bow down to our authoritay!**

Hey what kind of hero talks like that?

Quit making me look bad

You're as arrogant as you are fat!

**Oh, oh, excuse me**

**Have I made Scary Tightey-Whitey Boy mad?** (**Heh heh heh...)**

It's the same old story!

You just want the glory!

Taking all the credit

And running like a scaredy cat

Whining, bearing your claws

Always out for applause

Hindsight woulda told me

I never should have joined with you!

**Is it getting kinda**

**Sandy in your vagina?**

**Mysterion we both know**

**You'd be nothing without me**

**I went bargain hunting when I chose you, so**

**Apologize to me now or it's out the door you go!**

**(MYAO!)**

Are you running again? Have you no shame?

Boy you really deserve your name

Your morals are utter trash

Feeding your ego and giant ass

This is no team it's a dictatorship!

Trying to compensate for the size of your dick?

In it for the kicks

Relying on your tricks

Honestly sometimes you make me sick.

**Oh calm down, being a hero is hard work? Please**

**Screaming and cheering, they get down on their knees**

**I'm the one who sees the big picture here**

**Nobody'd even care if you disappeared!**

**So you can die all the time and be reborn?**

**Cool story bro!**

**Well why don't you go and have another nice death**

**And do us all a favor?**

Oh, wow, very nice

But guess who's on the cover this month, Coon? (Teeheehee...!)

**God fucking McCormick**

**Stop thinking with your dick!**

**You just do this shit to look cool**

**And try to pick up chicks!**

**Acting like you're all that**

**Bitching, calling me fat**

**Cthulhu should have banished you to a deeper Oblivion!**

Angry little kitty,

Why are you so pissy?

Go and tell your Mommy

Your friends are acting mean to you!

I can fight on my own

Whiny brats should stay home

Get ready now Coon

to get knocked off of your throne!

(YES!)

But together we can be stronger...

Dick!  
**Whore!**  
Prick!  
**Poor!**  
Fat!  
**Dumb!**  
Brat!  
**Bum!**

**And hold off evildoers for longer...**

**PAPER**-  
PAPER!  
**SCISSORS**!  
SCISSORS!  
**ROCK**!  
ROCK!  
**GOD**!  
Dafuck?!

But why do you always piss me off, huh?

Beat that!  
**Ha! Missed!**  
**Take it, bitch!**  
You wish!

**Oh see, is it all my fault again?**  
Your lips move, sure but all I hear is blah blah blah blah...

You know ever since we met you've always been a total prick  
And I doubt that'll change, so what the fuck made you think you  
could play hero? A hero cares about people, puts others first, and  
you can't even share your goddamn Cheesy Poofs you fat piece of crap!  
Every time things don't go how you want you throw a fucking tantrum  
and I have to deal with it. I'm really tiring of your bullshit  
I mean come on! GROW UP ALREADY!

**'Oh Mysterion you're so cool.' That's a load of bullcrap. I'm the important one,**  
**who people recognize; you're just a side character. Ever since we met you've**  
**been such a loser, Kinny, and you just got more and more sick and creepy**  
**and now you're suddenly frickin' Batman? Oh come on! You know deep down**  
**You're just a loser and you're always gonna be a loser, because you suck you**  
**poor piece of shit! GOD I HATE YOU, KINNY!**

It's the same old story!

You just want the glory!

Taking all the credit

And running like a scaredy cat

Whining, bearing your claws

Always out for applause

Well too bad for you the symbol of this town will still be ME!

**Is it getting kinda**

**Sandy in your vagina?**

**Mysterion we both know**

**You'd be nothing without me**

**I went bargain hunting when I chose you, so**

**Apologize to me now or it's out the**-hey what'd you just say?

"Mintberry Crunch saved the day?"

EEEEEHH?

* * *

A/N: ...What should I do? Should I apologize to you guys for writing this, or for my existence in general? Should I admit that I have no business writing lyrics to any songs, especially ones that no one will know?

Nah, I'm just gonna keep being a dick.


	3. Mono Poisoner: a songfic

**Mono Poisoner**

**When I choose scissors and you choose paper**  
**I take my two fingers and stab them right into your eye**  
**With my fist balled up from choosing rock**  
**I hit you across the face, call you a disgrace and make you cry**  
**No one, no one, nobody else can make my stomach turn in knots just like you do**  
**You are so disgusting that you'd honestly be better of dead and then not even I would miss you  
**

**This toxic desire to monopolize your heart and soul until there's nothing left**  
**Wielding it over you, it seems matters of love are better addressed  
But don't you get carried away**

**No one can hope to sever this connection we share  
****Because when I grow tired of violating you ****I know you'll still be there.**

* * *

From the time Kenny was little, he had always given his best friend everything. He took pity on the boy, a fat, lonely loser who would go his whole life without knowing friendship if Kenny hadn't stepped in.  
So because he was a good person, he shared his toys, put up with the insults, and swallowed his pride. But somehow, their relationship had become something more. It had become something that neither could live without. It was like they had monopoly over one another's lives. But Kenny was fine with that.

"You like Kenny, don't you, bitch?"

Bebe Stevens was staring into the cold fishlike eyes of Eric Cartman. No longer the pudgy wimp who got his ass handed to him by Wendy, he was now a powerful-looking and frightening young man with hands that looked like they could crush skulls. He'd certainly have no trouble at all breaking Bebe's nose and ripping out her hair extensions.

"I-I don't know. We're friends," she said, trying not to let the tremor in her voice show. "Why does that matter?"  
Cartman surveyed the girl coldly. Her yarn-soft hair and button-blue eyes paired with her milky skin made her appear dollike. Like Polly Prissypants or a Barbie. It was absolutely revolting.

"Kenny is mine. Don't you ever go near him again, got it?"  
"I...no, I really don't get it. I thought you hated Kenny!" Bebe stammered in confusion.

Eric's eyes flashed and he tightened his grip on her sweater. "I do hate Kenny," he said fiercely, "But he's still mine. The one who gets to control him is me. Getting to choose whether he's happy or miserable, only I get to do that. _You_ have no place in our lives," he spat before his eyes and voice became flat once more. "...We know each other pretty well, Bebe, so I won't waste time telling you what I'm capable of. I'm sure you remember very clearly some of the things I've done."

Bebe gulped as the name Tenorman flashed through her mind. "O-okay. I won't talk to Kenny anymore. But I just wanted to be friends-"  
"Kenny doesn't need friends. The only thing he needs is me. Anything and anyone else is just in the way." Cartman released her sweater like it was a disgusting rag and walked away.

Eric's favorite pastime had become trampling Kenny to a pulp. Ever since Stan and Kyle ditched them he'd been the only friend the poor blonde had left-he was making sure it remained that way. There was nothing like the gleeful feeling of telling Kenny how disgusting and poor he was, how he hated him and he'd always be alone because no one could ever love someone so utterly screwed up. The only person who was poorer and more despicable than Cartman was his best friend, his boyfriend, and Eric delighted in reminding Kenny of this whenever possible.

Kenny was the perfect punching bag; he always forgave Cartman, no matter what, and allowed him to say and do as he pleased. He could be as horrible as his heart desired and Kenny would still stick by him to the bitter end. And when he got angry and said, "Go die," sometimes Kenny would really go and die somehow. But he always, always came back. Good old McCormick; nothing and no one could destroy him. Not even Eric Cartman.

Kenny was playing his PSP in the living room when Eric walked in. He could tell who it was by the footsteps. "Hey," he said without looking up.  
Wordlessly Cartman bent down and took the PSP away. Kenny looked up in irritation.

"Hey! What the fuck?!" he demanded.

Cartman sat down next to him and pulled him into a kiss.

"...What the heck's gotten into you?" the blonde asked, taking in his friend's odd expression.

Eric sighed. "Bebe called me a fag."

Kenny's blue eyes widened. "She what?"

Cartman began using his manipulative hurt puppy voice. "She said I was a fag and that you don't really even like me. And that you should break up with me already and go out with her. Because I'm so fat and ugly and gay and stuff."

Kenny gave his boyfriend's hand a compassionate squeeze. "I'm sorry, Cartman. She's such a bitch. I'm sorry I've been hanging out with her so much lately. It won't happen again."

_Gullible bastard._ Cartman smiled. "Thank you, Kenny. I love you."

The two hugged. In that moment, Eric didn't need to abuse Kenny. He just enjoyed having his friend by his side. And he would destroy anyone that tried to sever their connection.

_(Cartman's clothes were splattered with red as he jammed the knife into Kenny's back, again and again, even though the boy had been dead for several minutes. _  
_"And when you come back, I'll kill you again," Eric whispered. "I'll kill you until you stop running. You are never going to leave me. I don't care how many times I have to do this. You're _mine_.")_

Even if that person was Kenny himself.

* * *

**A/N: Well that was stereotypical as fuck, wasn't it? And it was a songfic, so bonus fail points to broomcloud. And again I choose a weird song, this time Doksenyoku/Mono Poisoner, which is about this abusive douchebag of a boyfriend who wants to monopolize and poison the girl he loves-or thinks he loves. (Mono Poison-get it? Ha ha ha so h1lari0us.) The song made me think of these two, as many songs do. *If you're wondering who transliterated those beautiful masterpiece lyrics, that was moi. Yes I know, I'm a gifted lyricist. I'm practically a poemer.  
**


	4. Coon 3: Superhomos

Superheroes are never in it for the glory, the fame, or the gratitude.  
But that doesn't mean that a little recognition now and then wouldn't be nice, dammit.

Eric Cartman, aka The Coon, sighed as he fell heavily into his seat. He'd gotten barely any sleep the previous night because he'd been out fighting crime. And now he was going to have to hear all day about how Mysterion-not The Coon and Mysterion-saved an old biddy from getting mugged. Okay, so maybe if Mysterion hadn't been there, Eric would have just left-the guy had a knife, for Christ's sake. But he deserved at least some of the credit for being there, dammit! Especially since he was the leader of Coon and Friends.  
"Did you hear about what happened to Mysterion?" one of the girls was saying to her friend behind him. Oh, here we go.  
"I never would have guessed," her friend replied. "It's totally cute!"

What the fuck else was new. Dumb blonde blue-eyed Mysterion and his bony ass always got attention from the ladies. But just because he was "attractive" didn't make him a better hero! Cartman turned in his seat. He was just about to tell the skanks to shove it up their cunts when he heard his own superhero name.  
"...with The Coon. They are like, so steamy together! It makes me wanna die!"  
Hehehe. Well, maybe these girls didn't have such horrible taste after all. But wait, did that bitch just say "together?"

"What the hell's that supposed to mean?!" he shouted, causing the girls and everyone around him to jump. "What do you mean, 'together?!'"  
Red and Heidi exchanged glances.  
"You didn't hear? I thought everybody'd heard."  
Cartman narrowed his eyes at them. "Heard what?!"  
Heidi giggled. "Mysterion and the Coon are dating!"  
What.  
"That's the stupidest thing you've ever said, which is saying a lot," he snapped. "I don't know what kind of retard is out there telling lies like that, but you'd have to have less of a brain than Kyle has a foreskin to buy that bullcrap."  
"No, it's true. Look," Red said, holding up a tabloid, the cover of which featured a kissing Coon and Mysterion. The Coon's eyes were wide in alarm and Mysterion wore a sleepy, amorous expression beneath his ebony mask. His gloved hand was grabbing the C emblem on The Coon's shirt, as if dragging his lover into a passionate embrace. It was indeed a pretty steamy candid shot.  
"Now who's the retard?" Red said triumphantly, but Cartman wasn't listening. His ears were filled with a strange buzzing sensation that was a mix of mortification and indignant fury. Not only was an image circulating of him kissing Kenny, it looked like HE was the one "taking it" in their relationship. And this he could not stand.

As soon as the bell rang for recess, Cartman, who had been stewing for the last hour, grabbed Kenny and practically threw him into the bathroom. He pushed the blonde against the door and stared him down.  
"Wow, Cartman," said Kenny. "Looking to finish what we started last night?"  
"IT'S NOT FUNNY, DAMMIT!" Eric shouted, slamming his fist against the door. "Everyone thinks The Coon is gaybones for Mysterion! They think he's some fairy! That we're not kewl! It's totally fucking lame and stuff!" He was having difficulty formulating a coherent complaint in the state he was in. "Like I could ever be a fag. Me! You've gotta be kidding!"  
Kenny snickered. "Who the hell cares, dude? Let people think what they want. Nobody knows our identities anyway, so what difference does it make? Honestly, I think it's kind of funny."  
Cartman wanted to hit him. "You would think that, you sick piece of shit. This is all your fault, you know! Next are you going to be telling me you did that on purpose?"  
The blonde scoffed. "Don't flatter yourself. You know as well as I do that it was an accident. And considering I was saving your life at the time, I don't think you have the right to be yelling in my face right now. At least not before you've had a Tic Tac."  
Eric regarded his partner in crime-fighting with a look of pure hatred. "I am not joking when I say that I will fucking waste you if you don't fix this. Hold a press conference or something, I don't care. Just end this shit, or I'll end you."  
Kenny pouted. "But Cartman, you said you loved me!"

One black eye and a busted nose later, Mysterion was willing to consider his partner's request.

* * *

**So this used to be a story in and of itself. My collab partner quit and deleted the story without telling me, so I figured I'd put it up even if I don't intend to finish it. Because well, why not?  
I don't really love the idea anymore, so I'm planning to make this a three-parter written entirely by me. The idea and title were mine, anyway, so I'm not doing anything wrong...except acting like a bitch, maybe. :P  
**


	5. Good Morning (Femslash)

**I wrote this a while ago for a "morning rituals" prompt. Sorry if it's a bit boring. Oh, and gender-bender warning in case girls love makes you gag or something (in which case, what's wrong with you).**

* * *

Kendall stretched her long arms and rolled over, bumping into the person lying beside her.

"Oof."

The person used to be much larger. She'd lost so much weight and now her body was near perfect. Kendall might be shallow. But it was Erica. She'd been in love with her long before she lost the weight; ever since they were in sixth grade and she comforted her about being the least attractive girl in class.

Kendall brushed Erica's brown hair around her ears and admired her pretty face. Those guys were idiots. But she was glad, because otherwise Erica might've ended up with that Patrick guy instead of her.

Kendall poked her friend's nose. "You're mine," she thought.

The other girl's eyelids lifted like shades, revealing an annoyed-looking pair of dark brown eyes.

"Did you poke me?" she asked. Her voice was scratchy in the mornings before she'd had her coffee.

Kendall shrugged. "Maybe I did. You mad?"

Erica took in her friend's perfectly disheveled appearance. How the heck did Kendall always look gorgeous, even when she just woke up? And she wasn't biased because they were in love, or anything. Several people had stopped Kendall on the street to ask her to model for/pose nude for/marry them. But Kendall was hers, for better or worse.

"No, I'm used to it." Erica yawned and stretched. "You gonna make coffee?"

"On it."

A few minutes later, Erica wandered into the kitchen, scratching her back. She was just in her underwear and a white shirt.

"Hey, don't let me wear a bra to bed from now on, okay?" she asked Kendall.

The blonde was pouring the businesswoman's lifeblood into her favorite mug, which had a picture of her dad and the late Mrs. Kitty on it.

"Do you expect me to yank it off of you while you're sleeping?"

"No. Just...I don't know. It's not good to wear a bra to sleep."

The blonde grinned. "I don't even have to wear a bra."

Erica accepted the mug and rolled her eyes. "Yes I know. Get a job already."

"Workin' on it."

Their morning was the same as it had been for years, except Marjorine wasn't there and they had woken up in the same bed.

"When does Marjie come back from Spain again?" Erica asked. The young artist had sprung for a trip abroad to study.

Kendall checked the calendar. "Fifth."

"Shit. What are we supposed to tell her?"

"Doesn't she already know?" Everybody knew by now, right?

"I feel bad to her. I know what it's like having..." the brunette cleared her throat, "you know...in the house all the time."

She meant her father always having sex. "We can be quiet."

"Not quiet enough."

The taller girl smiled. "Hey, how about a nooner?"

"Pardon?"

"While I'm out of work and Marjorine's gone during the day, you can come home and we-"

"No! I have meetings! And clients! And people to impress! I can't talk to them knowing I just... And I'll look forward to lunch a little too much." Erica smiled sheepishly.

That made Kendall happy. Erica hadn't always been forward about her feelings. It had taken a long time to get her comfortable with it. It made sense; they had been best friends since elementary school and Erica was still half-clinging to the idea that she was straight (with one exception, of course.)

After what she'd done to Kylie and Marjorine, who would buy that?

But then, Erica had been quite crazy back then. Now she was very calm and jaded. Just like Kendall. _Isn't that what they call "merging?"_ Kendall thought idly.

"Do you want french toast?" That was all Kendall could make.

"Nah. I'm in a hurry."

"I'll have them ready by the time you've done your hair and clown makeup. You can eat one on the way."

"Fine. But I don't wear clown makeup."

Kendall shrugged to piss her off.

A few minutes later, Kendall was helping Erica with her tie.

"Why do you need to wear one?"

"I dunno. It looks good."

"Kind of a lesbian thing."

"I-is not!"

Kendall pulled on the tie, bringing Erica closer.

"At least I can do this!"

"Stop! You're going to choke me!"

Kendall ruffled the brunette's long, sleek hair. Erica had started straightening it, while Kendall had the same short, messy bedhead as always.

"Shortie."

"Mmph. I'm not short, you're just hugely tall like a man. Oh, that reminds me. The heels I wanted to wear with these are broken. Darn it!"  
Erica wasn't obsessed with shoes, but she did like them.

Kendall snickered. "Lipstick lesbian."

"I heard that!"

"Brush your teeth, change your clothes and look at the want ads today," Erica said as she was leaving.

"Okay, Mom."

"Don't call me that."

"Sorry, Cartman."

Erica raised her eyebrows. "You never call me Cartman anymore."

The taller girl scratched the back of her head. "Slipped out, I guess."

Erica shrugged. "I don't care if you still want to call me that. Anyway, see ya."

Kendall waved goodbye and sat back down at the kitchen counter to drink her coffee. She'd stopped calling her Cartman because she assumed, even before Erica finally kissed her a week ago, that one day they would have the same last name.

Hopefully that day would be soon.

"But it'll definitely be McCormick," she said to herself with a confident smile as she sipped her coffee.

* * *

**More Author Nonsense: I'm sorry, but Keneric { Kenerica. (The site won't let me do a less than sign, lol.) Obviously I like both, otherwise I wouldn't bother writing any of this. If you're with me on this, you might enjoy Girls (a GB which this chapter is based on) or T.C.C.L.C. (Kenny's a boy, Cartman's a girl.) If not, you can throw some internet rocks at me and tell me I suck. I would deserve it.  
**


	6. Love is a bitch voiced by Trey Parker

**This is an alternate ending to Cartman Finds Love as well as the stupidest thing I've ever written save that Death Note OC story I wrote in eighth grade. Enjoy.** **(If you don't, just tell me to kill this with fire and I'll do so gladly.)**

* * *

Token and Nicole had finally gotten together again, and stupid Kyle was no longer a wedge in their relationship. Also, everyone thought he was gay now. So really, Cartman couldn't have asked for a better result.

"Thanks CupidMe," he said to his imaginary messenger of love.

"A place for everything and everything in its place," said CupidMe as he giggled in his obnoxiously cherubic manner. "You know, Eric, I think I've found somebody for you, too!"

Cartman's eyes opened wide in surprise. "Wow, really?" _A girl that's like me?! She must be so freakin' cool!_

All of a sudden Kenny walked up to him. "Hey dude."

"Oh, Kenny, what's up. I didn't know you were here."

"Yeah, well I heard there was a Batmobile parked outside but all I saw was a crowd of people looking confused. How was the game?"

"Good. Broncos won." Cartman glanced briefly over at CupidMe. What was he waiting for? Where was this chick he was supposed to meet?

He...he couldn't possibly mean...

With a sharp noise, a pink arrow whizzed from CupidMe's bow and landed on Kenny.

"What the fuck?!" Cartman said in alarm. Kenny didn't seem to notice. But it was fine, since Kenny only liked girls.

Waitwaitwait. Did CupidMe put tranquilizer in that arrow? Because Kenny suddenly looked really sleepy, and was drooling a little.

"Hey there, sexy...what's your name? Eheheheheh..."

And just why the fuck would Cartman need to remind him of that? "Bob Saget," he said sarcastically.

"Bob, huh...that's a funny name for a girl."

"What?! Girl?!"

Kenny tilted his head dumbly. "You look really familiar...maybe...maybe we met before...in another lifetime?"

There were no words with which to reply to this. Except one. "...Eww."

CupidMe pulled out another arrow. "Let's speed this along, shall we?"

If Kenny suddenly trying to make out with Cartman was what CupidMe meant by "speeding this along" those five arrows had sure done the trick.

"Why are you doing this to me?!" Eric shouted as he ran from his best friend. "Why couldn't you find me somebody else? ANYBODY else?! Why this poor asshole?!"

CupidMe wore an expression that can only be called a trollface. "Because people who are the same belong together!" he said, his expression asking 'you mad, bro?'

Bro was very mad. "FUCK YOU! After I murder Kenny, you're next, you piece of shit! Ow, my back!"

Cartman stopped running at a sharp pain in his shoulder blade. The stinging feeling was quickly replaced with something else, however.

Kenny caught up and took Eric's hands in his. "I can see it in your eyes, Bob Saget. You love me, too."

Cartman's face was bright red. "Yes. But if you love me, do this one thing for me..."

"Anything."

Eric smiled a hopeful, gentle smile. "Pull my finger?"

"Well, okay. Why the heck n-"

Seconds later, Cartman was laughing hysterically as Kenny collapsed on the ground, trying not to vomit. The brunette's pants were completely ruined, but he could worry about that later. (Don't ask what he just did. I think, in your heart, you already know.)

"That's what you get you piece of shit! I hope you puke out all your guts! Ahahahaha!"

Meanwhile other people were coming back into the stadium and were seeing...something much stranger than a Batmobile. "Oh my God! He killed Kenny!" "No he's not dead. If he were dead he couldn't dry-heave."

Cartman kicked Kenny in the side and watched him groan in pain. He gave CupidMe a wistful look. "Doesn't he look super dreamy when he's rolling on the floor in agony?"

Kyle walked up to Kenny and made sure he was alright. "Dude, you okay?"

"Yup...this side of Bob is cute too...eheheheh..."

Kyle sighed and motioned for Stan to follow him. "Let's get outta here. These two idiots deserve each other."

* * *

**I take it back. This is dumber than my OC fanfiction.  
**


	7. Coon 3: Superhomos (Part 2)

**It's been a while. I apologize, but this seems to be one of the more well-liked stories within a story (the "Mystericoon" plot that is) so I'll definitely have to get around to finishing it one of these days. Here's Part 2, and thanks for your patience.**

* * *

That night, as promised, Mysterion held a press conference. Being the hottest local celebrity allowed him to do so on short notice.  
When Mysterion stepped up to the podium, cameras immediately began flashing, mingling with the squeals of his fangirls (and fanboys, and fanmen...).

The purple-clad hero straightened his mask and spoke into the microphone using his raspy Batman voice.  
"Good evening, people of South Park. It has come to my attention that a rather disturbing rumor has been circulating regarding my relationship with The Coon." In the distance, a few girls in the crowd started chanting "Mysterioon, Mysterioon!" which was evidently their pairing name for the two superheroes. The Coon, who was standing a ways behind Mysterion, grimaced and tried not to gag.

"I appreciate your interest in our friendship," Mysterion continued, "But it is just that: a friendship, and a partnership. The Coon and I fight crime together and we happen to get along quite well, as The Coon would surely attest..." He trailed off and turned his face to Cartman. "Speaking of which, why don't you come over here and address our fans?" he asked, gesturing for Eric to stand next to him. The Coon was clearly unwilling but begrudgingly obeyed.

Mysterion put a hand on the fatter boy's shoulder. "The Coon would like to assure you that we are both perfectly heterosexual. Right?"  
Cartman tried to speak, but he faltered when he felt Kenny's hand slowly traveling down his body. "Um...right. What happened last night was a complete misunderstanding. My subordinate here got a little careless and as a result we were put into a compromising situ-HYAH!"  
There was silence following Cartman's cute scream, which was caused by Mysterion suddenly grabbing his butt. The brunette willed himself not to turn red, but it was too late. Meanwhile Kenny's hand continued to rest firmly on his partner's ass. It was only a matter of time before people noticed and took pictures of the "couple" being unable to keep their hands off of each other. Cartman wanted to slap Kenny's hand away, but he couldn't do so without attracting attention to the groping, so he decided to just pretend that his rear wasn't being fondled and continue talking.

"Uh, right, we were put into a compromising situation which led to our faces, er, making contact, for a brief moment. The tabloids would have you believe otherwise, but trust me, Mysterion and I are just your average, boring straight-Hhhh...!"  
Kenny was once again amusing himself by very slowly tracing Cartman's spine with his finger. Eric's body tensed against his will at the touch, and unfortunately, this time everyone noticed the placement of Mysterion's hand. Encouraged, Kenny put his arm around The Coon and moved so that their hips were touching.

"That is all. We will not be taking questions."

Amid the roar of questions being asked anyway, Cartman looked Kenny straight in the eye with an expression of pure bloodlust. "It's a good thing you can't die, Mysterion, because I'm going to rip you apart from the inside out."

Kenny gave him a sappy smile and another pat on the back. "Save it for the bedroom, big guy."

The kiss had been an accident. Initially.

After intervening when he was attempting to steal a woman's purse, the criminal hadn't been pleased to see them. Especially since their appearance allowed the woman he was robbing to escape. "Well if it isn't the two caped faggots. Our fucking knights in shining armor. How old are you, fourteen? You think you can bust me up?"

"Fuck, that's a knife," Cartman had muttered. "Let's just call the cops and bolt."  
Kenny wouldn't hear of that. But then again, it was easier for him to be brave given his "power."  
"No. Let's get this son of a bitch. We'll make him pay for trying to steal from an old lady." He lowered his voice. "And besides, there's a guy watching with a video camera; I don't want to be filmed looking like a wuss."  
The Coon noticed the camera guy hiding behind a trash can and snarled. "Hey you! Why the fuck are you just standing there? Go and call the cops, fartface!"

Unfortunately, the knife-wielding man didn't like being ignored. A sane person would have run away at the mention of cops, but he was clearly somewhere between ax-crazy and...no, just ax-crazy.

"Don't fucking turn away from me you little shit!" The man slashed out with his strong arm, attempting to gash the back of Cartman's neck; he wasn't close enough to do much damage, but he did leave a painful wound at the back of Cartman's head.  
If it had gotten his spine...Mysterion realized that his friend could have died because of him. This filled him with self-loathing, but more so with hatred for the faggot who almost killed Cartman.

A few minutes later, Kenny was panting over the man's prone body. Cartman was still on the ground, cursing in pain.  
"You okay, dude?"  
"Go to hell Mysterion! Fu-u-uck!"  
Kenny snorted. "It's not bleeding that bad. You'll be fine." He held out a hand to Cartman to lift him up.  
It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened from there. But either way, here it is: An addled Cartman tripped over the criminal's leg and was caught by Mysterion in such a way that their lips met and he was grabbing the fatter boy's shirt, seemingly out of lust and desire.

Kenny was startled and tried to pull away, but then he heard a gasp. He wasn't sure if it was from Cartman or the camera dude, but it awakened something in him. So he deepened the kiss, not quite sure what his own reasons for doing so were, and not really caring. The kiss gave him a satisfied feeling, one that returned every time he and The Coon pretended to be in love from then onward. He found it strangely enjoyable. One, because it pissed Cartman off, and two, he liked knowing he could dominate the bossy and arrogant fatass. And it didn't hurt that puberty had transformed his formerly obese friend into someone remotely doable, even if he wasn't gay. But he knew that Cartman was genuinely repulsed by the idea, and it wouldn't be long before he called off the charade entirely.

But that didn't happen, thanks to some interesting news on the front page of the newspaper.


End file.
